it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
