What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I understand Curling. That high.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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