I'm so fucking centered right now
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Randomize
