this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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