she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
