shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
