I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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