You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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