im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
