I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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