I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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