I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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