i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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