If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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