Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
