i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Couch. On fire.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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