If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Randomize
