that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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