Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
