if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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