so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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