good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Randomize
