atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I feel like death gave me a hand job
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
