I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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