We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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