So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
