He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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