i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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