You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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