I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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