Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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