fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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