I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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