I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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