I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
