I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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