I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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