We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
