If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
