I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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