So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
