Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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