my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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