Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
