I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
