allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
