he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Boobs speak an international language.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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