people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize