I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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