So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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