I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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