She's like a pop up book from hell.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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