Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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