I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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