A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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