Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
please come you make the beer taste better
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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