he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
