so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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