There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
