He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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