The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
