I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
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